Fear Professional
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Set two days after a terrible crime, Phoenix and his team of lawyers are thrown into one of the most heated court battles in history. Contains: Princess, mercenaries, pirates, and mutants.


It was a day just like any other with the jazz man playing a sombre tune in the corner of the Wright & Co. law offices. Everything was toasty cool and no one was snapping at the sauce with a sourpuss gleam. That is, until _she_ walked in. Like a goddess high above Cloud Nine, the little lady sauntered on in with the air of sophistication that somehow wasn't enough to do her any justice. She came with the captain—the one famous the world over. You know the one. And it was just the kind of bribe Phoenix wasn't known for taking.

"Your captain's no good here, see?" he said.

The little lady giggled and batted her eyes. Phoenix showed her to the couch where Apollo was busy reading the funnies.

"Ha, oh that Calvin and Hobbes! Where _can't_ they go on that sled?" said Apollo. Everyone agreed.

Once that was over and done with, the attorneys assessed the situation. It was a doozy of a case. A real pickle. A serious whopper. No pastrami on this rye. Phoenix was hesitant to take the case, but the little lady was extra persistent and too full of innocence for him to decline.

"Alright, missy. You've got yourself a deal, see?"

"Hey, Mr. Wright?" said Apollo.

"What is it, mac?"

"Why are you talking like that anyway?"

Phoenix blushed and stuck his hand behind his head in a bashful pose. "Oh, uh. I wanted to try adopting an endearing character trait like Detective Gumshoe's."

"Oh."

"I should probably stop, huh?"

"Yeah. We might lose potential clients."

Phoenix sighed and signaled the jazz man with his hand. "That's a wrap! Move it out!"

The jazz man left, taking the black and white 1920s atmosphere with him. After they rearranged their office a bit and set the TV up with a PS2 so their client could amuse herself while she waited, Phoenix and Apollo got down to business.

"Okay, I'll handle the mercenaries," said Phoenix on his way out with a stack CDs. "You deal with the institution."

"The one in Westchester, right?"

"Right."

The two attorneys went their separate ways.

Later, Phoenix was bartering with some mercenaries using the CDs he brought. "You can use these as personal theme songs!" he said with all the intensity of a skilled negotiator.

"I'll gladly take those CDs off your hands," said Deadpool as he fired up his Sony Walkman. "So all I have to do is what? Kill some witnesses or something?"

"No, no, no! You just have to sign this affidavit stating that you weren't misleading anyone."

"Moi? Mislead? Never!"

"Exactly."

"Fine, fine. Give it here!" Deadpool affixed his 'ol John Hancock to the affidavit and started jamming to some pop song.

"How did you know he'd never sign without a bribe?" asked Cable, he was shaking his head with shame. "It makes no sense when you think about it logically, since _he's_ the one on trial."

"It's my job," said Phoenix heroically.

"Wheeen you waaaaalk awaaaaay~! Pleeeaaase ohhhh baaaaabyyyy~!" Deadpool jammed to the tunes while Cable sighed some more. The music was so loud, it was leaking out of Deadpool's cheapo headphones and everyone in the room could tell he was really listening to Uptown Girl.

Both Domino and Cabled then signed their own affidavits attesting to Deadpool's character as a perfectly sane and capable parent. With his job done, Phoenix headed back to the office.

Meanwhile, on the other side of wherever this takes place, Apollo was reading some more funnies while he rode the NY metro into Westchester County. He got a tad bit motion sick, but it was okay. In exchange for a Pooh stick, Apollo was able to get some Dramamine off of Roo, who got off at the next stop and bounced his way back to the Fellowship of the Pooh.

When Apollo finally arrived at his stop, he had fallen asleep from the Dramamine and wound up riding the rails all the way upstate. When he finally woke up, he realized that someone had moved his body to a train bound for Canada, so he had to call and arrange for a plane to pick him up at a nearby waterfall. While he waited, Apollo got hungry. So he decided to eat at a nearby seafood restaurant where they provided customers with cute little bibs depicting hungry, hungry lobsters. He somehow wound up at the all-you-can-eat crab buffet and became embroiled in a vicious eating contest with this pirate. The pirate won, but Apollo didn't care. He had stopped eating to gaze at her with longing eyes. The pirate was impressed he managed to keep up with her at all, so she offered up her Calvin and Hobbes compendium as a sort of consolation prize. Apollo hugged it to his chest never let go. Even to read it.

The pirate left when her space ship arrived and Apollo's hair waved farewell. He would've waved with his arms, but they were previously engaged with a seriously tight hug. Once the space ship disappeared, the Blackbird swooped down to pick up Apollo and bring him to Westchester.

Several minutes later and Apollo was meeting with the X-Men.

"So if you could just sign here...here...here...and initial there and there...and also here... I think we can call it a day."

Professor X signed with his mind and it was a done deal. Apollo took the documents with his mouth—because again, his arms were preoccupied—and then hopped the next train back to the Wright & Co. law offices.

Back at the office, the lawyers took stock of what they had.

"What do you think, Mr. Wright? Do we have a case?"

Phoenix rubbed his chin as he examined some papers that had drool and bite marks on them. "You know, Apollo... I think we just might."

Several days later when the case went to trial, Detective Gumshoe had accidentally broken the knob for the air conditioning, so the courtroom was exceptionally hot that day. Even with a bunch of fans going and sexy bunny girls blowing on everyone's faces, it was a real scorcher of a day to be in court. The temperature in the building reached a record-breaking 120 degrees Fahrenheit, but still Phoenix and Apollo persevered.

"Your honor, my client is innocent!" said Phoenix with conviction.

"Do you have any proof?" said the Judge from between sexy bunny blows.

"We sure do, your honor! Take that!" said Apollo as he casually walked up to the bench, presented some signed documents, and then walked back to his place next to Phoenix.

The Judge had one of the sexy bunnies put on his reading glasses and read the documents. She then giggled and whispered seductively in his ear.

"Oh heavens!" exclaimed the Judge as he went pink in the face. "You want to do what with my what now?"

The bunny girl giggled some more and the Judge cleared his throat.

"Yes, well, in light of the evidence, this court finds the defendant... NOT GUILTY."

Everyone clapped and Gumshoe threw old gum wrappers in lieu of confetti.

"We did it, Mr. Wright! We won the lawsuit!" said Apollo. He wanted to give Phoenix a hug, but he was still hugging his Calvin and Hobbes.

"All in a day's work," said Phoenix. He then winked at a one of the tiniest members in the gallery who winked back and silently bounced out of the courtroom holding a stick.

"You know what, Mr. Wright?"

"What is it, Apollo?"

"Well, for a second there, I was actually afraid we wouldn't win the lawsuit."

"Why's that?"

"Well, I wasn't confident that I collected enough evidence."

"I'll tell you a secret, Apollo: I was afraid, too. But you can't let some little apprehension get the better of you. You've got to be the ball."

"Like a pro?"

Phoenix nodded. "Yeah, like some kind of fear professional, you know?"

Apollo nodded. Everything made sense. And Taylor said yay.

The end.


End file.
